January the 6th. College reopens tomorrow and it has yet to really hit me that it’s 2014 already. While helping the mother with the laundry today (because I’m such a hashtag filial hashtag domesticated daughter hashtag wifematerial), it struck me that 2013 was a year that I underwent minimal personal growth – intellectually. Having to settle back down at home and also to find a comfortable mould for myself to fit into in a new social environment didn’t leave me with much time for myself. Later on, getting into a relationship also basically took up the time that I would have used for self-exploration. It also made me more reliant because there was always someone to rant to, someone to sweep the problems under the carpet and occupy me with other things instead. While it was a great source of comfort at most of the moments when I felt like an utter wreck, it did not necessarily do me good in the long term. It’s like peeling away the cocoon away and catching the butterfly that fell out, keeping it safe in a glass jar and taking care of all its needs – it never learns to fly and find its own food and basically everything else it needs to do to survive in real life. I’ve been trying to figure out what is different this time round. Is it the fact we are so intentionally kept away from each other that made cyber-communication something necessary on a daily basis? In the past (relationship) where we could basically spend time with each other whenever we wanted, it would’ve been expected that I would be more occupied by the relationship and thus more distracted, but no. I had plenty of time on my own, as well as for maintenance of other sorts of relationships with other people. I could still juggle my academics while having lots of fun going out every weekend. I’ve been thinking out loud up to this part of the post and I have still yet to come to a firm conclusion of why I (seem to) have no time for myself and for God anymore. I don’t even devote as much time to academics than I did back then. Maybe I got lazier. Maybe I subconsciously intentionally avoid all the thoughts in my head. Maybe I’m too afraid to pick up things that I ought to be thinking about and think over them long and hard. Maybe I got too comfortable snuggling up under the big pink fluffy blanket of romance for security. Maybe I’m the problem. Yeah, I guess I am.
“Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it every time.” – Christopher Barzak