Even in paradise.

I’m just so tired. So tired of not knowing what is going on, of not knowing what to do, what to say, when to talk, when to avoid. I’m just so fucking tired of not knowing who I am. I would really want to sort my mind out but I just don’t have the guts to face it. It felt like forever since I last had a normal conversation with another human being verbally, face-to-face. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the room forever, talking to myself, having conversations in my head, thinking out loud, singing to myself, like I’m the only other person in the world that I have. But I’m not another person. I am me. But I can’t seem to grasp that. 

This sucks so bad. It’s like I’m split into two. Like the Cristina me is doing all the “okay I need to go out and look sad now because this is the situation: [blahblahblah]” and the me me is just like “alright go on and do what you need to do while I take a nap in this corner of my mind” and then I go out and do all I am expected to do and I come back to my room and me me wakes up and starts humping my brain proclaiming her presence. And she goes all “wtf is going on so why are we not in school and why am I stuck here can I play songs and go tumblr” and Cristina is all like “shut up bitch we are in trouble okay can you please update yourself with the current situation” and me goes “but I don’t understand huh what I still don’t get it” and I’m just like “shut the fuck up both of you” and there are just so many me-s in my head and I just can’t handle it because my head feels so heavy and I can barely walk straight sometimes and I just want to cry but the me-s are just being so annoying that I can’t concentrate on one me only it’s like a fucking communal mind and none of the me-s can have it for themselves for just one second because some other me will just be fucking around in the background and it’s just so noisy I can barely think. I’m just here trying to separate them into different containers and give them shifts and tell them when they can come out but they are just so not cooperative and I just feel so weak and terribly useless because I can’t even control my own self.


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