The Diary of a Groundnut – 12/30

I’m not exactly sure if I can do this right now. I’m not exactly in the mood, I don’t wanna think about it, my internet connection is completely fucked up and so am I. I want to just not think about so many things and just pon school tomorrow and spend all day online shopping for makeup and wait for them to come and then spend another decade playing with them. Expensive hobby that harms my skin.

Just as I thought everything is over now it’s all coming back harder and harsher. Just when I’m eager for another 18 more days to pass so that I can go out and run wild, this has to intimidate me to death. I really hate to think about how far this has gone. People push and push and push and it goes further and further and further and I just want to die.

Thought I finally got over it, I can’t. Guess I really have to fall back deep and hard before I can climb back out fresh anew. But I don’t like the idea of it because that means blood and scars and tears and tumblr and gazillions and gazillions of blog posts that goes on and on and on for eternity.

A part of me misses how it felt, but the conscious part of me knows damn well that it would only mean complete destruction and this is definitely not a good time for it to happen.

I don’t know where this is heading. I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know how real. I fear. I don’t know how far can it go, if I can make it stop in time. I don’t know if I will fail. I don’t know if I will be the one causing my own downfall.

I really think I should just go and die. No, really.

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